Hello, nice to meet ya! I am Kitsune Yokai and I am trying out to be a Fierce, Freethinking Fattie.

I am a 21 year old Caucasian female, 6 feet tall, roughly 350lbs, a sophomore in my local community college learning to be an American Sign Language Interpreter for the Deaf, a “single mother” in that I take care of my 11 year old brother alone (with child support), an amateur body builder (that fashion model goal is true! I would love to be a plus size model for perhaps Lane Bryant one day after college), and probably more importantly, a Witch. That actually has a lot to do with my life, the way I found FA and HAES, and is the basis for my own blog, the Fat Pagan. Don’t worry, I won’t be posting religious stuff here; that’s what my blog is for!

How exactly did I get into HAES and FA? Well, that requires some back story… (WARNING: TRIGGER ALERT! Talk of disordered eating, physical and mental abuse, and attempted suicide)

I grew up in the South, and was born in Georgia. When I was about 5 years old, I was a cute kid. I had all the confidence in the world, was strong willed and very happy. Then, I went into kindergarten. My mother cried as I got onto the bus, but when I got home, I was the one crying. I was teased by my classmates for being fat. Fat? Yeah.

Me at five years old, being cute.

My mother, like any parent, brushed it off and probably said some nice words, and I went back to school again in a better mood and wanting to try to win over the other kid’s hearts. It didn’t happen, and the ridicule got worse. Every day, things got worse and worse. Yeah sure, it was just words, at first. Then it turned into physical assault, with stone throwing and sticks, literally! Punching, scratching, biting, pinching, kicking. My parents became very concerned and contacted the school, but it was brushed off as kids being kids.

So the years press on and I continue to be ostracized and ridiculed, with various bouts of physical abuse interwoven into the mental torture. If you think “torture” is a bit too harsh of a word, I would like to see you withstand days, months, years of being told you are worthless, that you should kill yourself, that you are nothing and unloved and hated, despised even. “Go away, you are a failure. You disgust me.” So, I hated myself, loathed and despised my peers for rejecting me, and looked towards adults as some measure of protection, being the teacher’s pet type of kid. I was diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression at 7 years old, I believe.

Needless to say, I had already turned to food as a comfort and would binge and binge when I got home from school. I would snatch the peanut butter from the cupboard and eat it in my room, consuming it all before my parents got home so I could hide the jar. I hid candy and sweets in my room so I could eat them while I cried so I would feel better. Yes, I became overweight.

Me, age 8 I think. I was stuck in that shoe bin.

My third grade year I had the most awful teacher. Like the kids, she despised me. She would throw my things across the room (she actually broke a ceramic pot that I had made my mother in art class), detain me after class despite possibly missing the bus, and would find fault in every action I did. Around the same time, or maybe just before, I was diagnosed with severe migraine episodes and was prescribed a pain killer. One of the saving qualities, however, were the animals the teacher had in the room.

One day I got in trouble for some ridiculous thing and she punished me by sitting me under florescent lights and made me hand copy the states and capitals while I watched the other kids play. All through that day I had complained of my head hurting. She blew me off all damn day. Between the odors of the animals, the screaming of the children, the lights, and stress, I could not see the paper because of the pain. She only let me go to the nurse when I started to sob uncontrollably. Later, when my mom came to pick me up, she could see something was wrong with me, but me being a stubborn kid, I didn’t tell her anything. The very next day I woke up with a pounding migraine and two black eyes. The blood vessels around my eyes had burst from the pressure. My parents were livid to say the least. I was 8 years old then.

Back at home, things went downhill fast. My parents couldn’t control my eating habits and were stressed about my binging. They would buy food for the month and a week later most of it would be gone. My parents seriously thought about putting padlocks on the cupboards and the fridge. We couldn’t afford to support my eating habits when it was so difficult to get food in the first place. When I couldn’t get food at home, I went to the neighbors and begged them for food. My parents went around the neighborhood telling people not to feed me. I took my lunch allowance and bought junk food, so my parents couldn’t give me money anymore and wrote checks or deposited money into my school account. I would wrack up debt in the cafeteria buying junk, so much so that my parents forcibly told the lunch ladies not to put stuff on credit for me because I would get $20, $30, $50 in debt. After that, I would just steal money from my parents wallets and buy food that way. If my parents didn’t know that, they do now.

When I was about 9 or 10 years old, I experienced my first sexual assault. I had went to a neighbor’s house and the regular kid had his cousin over. The cousin, who was 2 or 3 years older than I was, said he had something cool to show me and lead me to the back of the neighbor’s boat shed. He trapped me there with no where to go, and molested me. He told me my breasts were “coming in nicely.” Afterwards, my own female cousin told me what I should be careful, because “that’s how girls get pregnant.” She was the one who told my parents that night, but it was already too late to get the cousin. I didn’t go back to that boy’s house again.

I spiraled out of control in many areas of my life, eventually getting straight up 10s in my classes, where I had previously made 90s and above. I was super depressed with no help, an outcast with no friends, and alone most of the time. I was going through stages of starvation and binging, I guess called bulimia, by this point in an attempt to be thin. I would dream everyday that I was thin and popular and loved, I would dream so hard it hurt to wake up. Around the same time, my mother’s friend (who turned out to be very much an enemy) and her kids moved in with us because they had lost their rental. The kids were vicious, especially to me and my mother. The kid who was my age started to sneak into my room at night and threatened my life if I had made a noise. I believed him, because he was known to have violent tenancies, so I said nothing. In private he would call me his girlfriend, but in public would physically hit me and verbally assault me, saying I was too fat and too ugly for anyone to love, and incredibly, would later say he didn’t mean any of it. I believed him. I was screwed up, but I knew I wanted out, I didn’t want this, and that I was scared. After quite a lot of pain, family trauma, and moving across country, I finally was free of him and 3 states away. We moved to Texas when I was 12.

At 14 years old, I woke up one day and decided to end my life, because I couldn’t bear getting up anymore. I hated myself so much I could not even look in the mirror anymore, nor would I look down at my own body and had not done so in many years. I went to school that day, thinking it would be my last day, that I would just take all of my mother’s pain pills and be done with it nice and peacefully so I could always be dreaming, when suddenly I was hit by a cosmic freight train. I was struck by some Divine power, unable to move or think or breath. It felt like a freezing fire was devouring me, so hot it was cold. Most of you don’t know this, but this was also the point in my life that I became a pagan. I can give details about this part later at my blog; all that needs to be said now is that I did not end my life that night, thank Goddess.

I did a major turn around in my life. I fought off my depression and since I had moved to a different state, I looked around and noticed that the people around me were pretty nice and was only avoiding me because I was distant and aggressive towards them (who could blame me though?). I woke up from a fog, a deadness, a cold and distant place. I remember one instance of my music teacher telling me I should smile and me replying that I didn’t know how because I hadn’t in years. Another instance was my first hug by a new friend; I was so stunned I didn’t know what to do.

I clawed and dug and tried to fix what was broken internally. Only recently have I changed my relationship with food. It’s been 7 years now since I almost committed suicide. Now I eat in a way that not only pleases me mentally and taste wise, but also satisfies my bodies nutritional needs. I eat regularly, 5 to 6 small meals a day, and I exercise. I had ballooned up to 400lbs from my devastating depression and binge eating, and am now trying to find my natural body weight. Now, I love myself and take care of myself. I am so much healthier now than I have ever been in my life. I am happy and outgoing and loved and accepted by my peers (mostly because I only surround myself with people who are awesome) but most importantly, I am loved and accepted by myself. I still have so much work to do, but you know, now I am happy just to walk around lazily until I get there.

For the first time in my life, I am ok with myself.

Me, May 2012.